Forgiving After An Affair

Find out that your spouse or significant other has been unfaithful can be one of the most painful things that you can go through in a relationship. Sometimes, even the strongest bonds can be broken because of an episode of unfaithfulness. Forgiving after an affair is a hard thing to do, but it is simply a must if you wish to be able to save the relationship after such an incident - that is, if you want to save the relationship at all.

The first step to forgiving after an affair is to first think of whether or not you want to save the relationship. If you think that you can forgive your significant other after he or she had been unfaithful, but realize you would not be able to trust the person anymore, then continuing with the relationship could be a mistake. Trust is a vital part of any relationship and in order to truly save the union you need to regain that trust. Be warned, re-establishing trust will take time. It does not happen overnight. Regaining trust will take months and sometimes even years.

If you do think that you can forgive your husband or wife, and you think you can find it somewhere inside of you to trust them again, at some point in time, then forgiving your loved one after an affair is something that you need to work on with all your heart - and you cannot do it alone.

There are three different kinds of ways to be unfaithful: a physical affair, an emotional affair, or both. An emotional affair is when someone has emotional attachments to another person outside of the marriage that is not appropriate, i.e. being emotionally attached to someone else the way you should be to your spouse instead. A physical affair is basically when the husband or the wife has intimate relations with someone outside of the marriage. Many times a physical affair occurs when there are no emotions involved, and it is just a lapse of judgment and self-control on the part of the husband or the wife. Last is the worst kind of affair, if there is such a thing, and it is when it is unfaithful both in the physical and emotional sense. This is when your husband or wife has fallen in love with someone else entirely. Forgiving after a relationship of this kind may be the hardest thing to do; but remember, it is going to be worth it if it means you and your spouse can stay together.

You will not be able to do this alone. You will need someone to mediate your attempts to reconcile. Whether it is a therapist, clergy or close family members, you will need to be honest, open and vulnerable if you want to be able to accomplish rebuilding the relationship.

It will be hard, but it is possible. If both parties sincerely work toward bringing the relationship to a place for healing, you can have a stronger bond than ever before.

How To Fix Your Marriage After An Affair

An affair can ruin any marriage but this doesn't have to be the case. If you know how to deal with the affair and begin the healing process as soon as possible, you can have your marriage back. Here are some of the steps that you should take to rid your marriage of the pain of an affair and move on to a happy marriage.

Step #1 End the affair.

The affair has to be ended before healing can begin. You can't expect everyone to be happy in a marriage when a third person is involved. Constant fighting for affection and time will take a serious and negative toll on self esteem and general happiness.

Step #2 Seek help for entire family.

Aside from the affair potentially destroying your marriage, it also has an effect on children. There is a distinct lack of attention given tot he family by the cheating spouse and children are often attuned to changes like this. Take the entire family to counseling or educate yourself on what you need to do to make your family feel whole and loved again.

Step #3 Give time to heal.

Anyone would need time to heal after the emotional trauma of an affair. On both sides. The person who cheated will need time to get over the affair and you need to give them this time so they don't end up resenting the marriage that you are now trying to restore. The person who was betrayed will need the most time to heal because there are many deep feelings of hurt, pain, betrayal and mistrust.

Step #4 Forgive.

You have to learn to forgive all of the mistakes that both parties in the marriage have made if you want to move on. You cannot have a bright future if you are still holding on to the past. A clear sign of having forgiven someone is when you can think about the issue and not feel incredibly hurt or compelled to bring it up every time you fight about small things.

Step #5 Leave the kids out of the fights.

Lets face it, kids can be an incredible responsibility that can lead to many arguments and disagreements but that does not warrant using them as ammunition in fights about the affair. Saying things like "Look at how you've hurt me and the kids" or "Our children will never love you again" are highly inappropriate and destructive comments to make. The affair issue is between you and your partner and no one else. Children might not be able to process what is happening and will take the things you say as the truth about them and begin to believe that they will never love that parent again.

Step #6 Keep your marriage exciting.

Part of the healing is acting the part of a happy marriage. Do things that you both consider to be fun and eventually all of the excitement will bring you both back to the marriage and wanting to spend more time together. Remember, the point is to get your marriage working again in a non-hostile way.

Step #7 Believe it can work!

You can restore your marriage, you can make it work and you don't have to live with pain and hurt for the rest of your life. All you have to do in addition to applying the steps above is learn more. Marriage is a complex and dynamic relationship and each couple has a unique set of factors that influence their happiness.